I have always been afflicted by what seems like an unusually high number of nightmares, and unfortunately my health problems often prevent good sleep and so there is some cycle of fatigue and nightmares that is hard for me to break. I do sometimes have rich and beautiful and meaningful dreams but that was not the case today.
It is Day 11 of head pain. Since I am a stubborn idiot I have not restarted steroids, because something in me keeps believing this storm is going to back off. And after the Olympia session yesterday I did feel somewhat better, and last night I did sleep and I got up by 9 ish and what I notice is that as soon as the 10 day migraine passes, what I am left with is crazy right sided prickling and pressure. Trigeminal neuralgia? The global head pain began in 2007 but this right sided monster only arrived in Fall 2010.
How are they related? In what ways are they the same thing? Did the one cause the other?
This is the thing that makes my ear go all crazy and squishes my eye and it makes sounds and creaks and sparks and tingles and pricks and makes me think a cactus has grown in there.
When I was driving along in the Bronx on Tuesday, contemplating going off the Geo Washington Bridge, I tried to come up with words for it. For days and days and days it had been like someone had been repeatedly scraping the inside of my skull with a dull spoon, as if they were emptying a gourd to make a bowl. This went on for days. A horrible dull pulse of scraping and hollowing, something exerting pressure on the inside of my skull in waves.
Then, as it shifts from cloud to hatchet, it took on the feeling of two tigers fighting each other inside my head. Or two tigers attacking me inside my head.
Then it is like someone unrolling huge coils of barbed wire, lashing me with this barbed razor wire.
But back to today, we went to brunch at the In-Between and it was lovely. I was able to enjoy a meal and we did some errands, but I got progressively more tired. The crackling head pain really Makes me Tired. So much so that by 2:30 when we were at the library I opted to just lie in the car, and when we got in at 3 I went straight in and got in bed. Within in a few minutes I was napping.
My mate came in to tell me he was going to the gym. I fell right back asleep for about a half hour, woke up and then fell asleep for about twenty minutes when I was awakened by a horrific nightmare, and one that has precedent, which is why it so catches my attention.
In the dream all was well but I went outside to catch the black cat and as I carried her inside, she grew stronger and stronger in my arms and more diabolical, (and it wasn’t our sweet black and white kitten Kaboodle who lurks in the garden) and by the time I had gotten her upstairs it was like she had turned into a strange muscular bomb. I had my eyes closed to protect them and I expected her to spring from me, perhaps leaving a nasty scratch.
Instead, this thing turned into a black x shaped thing, it was attached to me and exerted a force so great I was being crushed to death and ripped apart. I was paralyzed but let out a blood curdling scream.
And I think I did let out a blood curdling scream in real life, and I wish my mate had been here so he could tell me. I do think I screamed as loud as I could in both the dream and real life.
The thing let me go, but I was nearly bombed apart at a cellular level by this strange black spider thing that had looked like a cat but then exerted a black hole sort of force upon my body and would not let me go.
For the past few years, I often cry out in my sleep. Sometimes in pain, sometimes in explanation. Often it is that I enter a certain stage of sleep and it almost seems all my inner brain surgeons are hard at work trying to figure out what is wrong with me so at certain stages I must cry out to make sure we know not to damage by verbal and speech centers.
This was yet another nightmare which I might just let slip from consciousness as I go on with my life. But this one has a precursor. It is like the malevolent force that the creature I call the corn shaman first sent six years ago exactly to try to kill me.
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