What Remains

So after my Wed session #9 with Olympia and also the convergence of whatever else is helping me feel better, as soon as I feel better physically, an Incredible Rush of Emotions comes in~the Existential World.

There’s joy and jubilation and an incredible feeling like I have just been freed.

There is, “Is it real? Can it last?”

And there’s sort of shock-like OMG I have lost years of my life. It’s like I have just come out of a coma. It’s May? 2011? What?

Wasn’t I just 36? Or 37? Wasn’t it 2007? Wasn’t it summer?

There is also the wonder and the thrill, I am alive! Anything is possible!
I can do Anything! I can find a job! And I can create my reality again, at least a little.

And there is the underlying grief of things, like wow, my father died last August and I hardly got to grieve, I was too sick too grieve. And I miss my two grandmothers. And some friends who have passed on their way.

And there is guilt, almost abandonment, like there are still so many people suffering pain and I have just left them. At least for a moment. (Though I would never begrudge them doing whatever they must do to be freed.)

And there is panic. Like OMG how long do I have? An hour? A day? A week? A year? A decade? More?

And there’s meaning of life issues. What is the meaning of life?
Whom can I help?

You live differently if you have only one day, than you do if you have thirty years.

And there’s beautiful visions-like time with my family and friends, in gardens and at parties, flowers and pink cupcakes. And with my mate in our home, and I imagine my future writing room with the three little kittens and my Blue cat and my golden dog, and I am getting books written. I have so many many books inside of me.

And then there is Fatigue. Holy Cow this has been Exhausting.

And also Urgency which says, “Get Everything Done Now. You might have a good week at best.”

Guilt again. I feel like I have abandoned my family, my mate, my friends, my life, the earth, the world as I ended up taking up dreadful and prolonged residence in the kingdom of the ill.

And maybe one reason I want and need a diagnosis so badly is because it would absolve me, as if to say-all this pain and suffering, it is not your fault.

I think if my pain could abate, I could possibly even find god again.