Olympia Session 11

Olympia Visit 11

She was so sick of seeing me she gave me a black eye. I am kidding. She is ready and willing to treat and always of good cheer and positive attitude.

Yesterday this only served to make me feel pissy!

So please know what I say here is not a reflection on her but of where I am in my process, which is exhausted from pain and agony and shock and lack of answers and I am realy so isolated, not that my mate and family and friends aren’t loving and supportive, but I am trapped in a very small claustrophobic room the size of the body and I am running a constant soundtrack of pain and suffering, and so very locked in. And it is horrifyingly lonely in here but god I would never want anyone else to join me in here.

But yesterday I just had this attitude during my session of “you don’t understand” which I know she doesn’t, and no one does, and I wouldn’t either if I weren’t in it myself, but I am at the point where people’s recommendations to not eat sugar or to think positively are very irritating. I know people mean well…

The one area Olympia and I have always been divergent on is that I very much want to understand a reason Why, and she doesn’t need to know why. And it is true, thankfully, her treatments help even though we don’t know why I am in so much pain.

Well anyway, I hadn’t wanted to go in at all because I am just so tired of being a patient and being a client and I feel I am tethered to a schedule of medical appointments, which I am.

So much for Gratitude! But feelings ebb and flow don’t they? It is natural. And also since Friday when I had that neurological event I am just irritable and angry and pissy and sad, which I don’t really think is the soul either but probably some chemical debris in the brain or blood.

So anyway, I had a goal for myself, which was to get back to a goal, and that by the end of the session I would know what to work on next, and on the drive over before I even got there, I decided to write about how I Am in A Battle for my Life with the Corn Shaman, even though Shaman is not the right word probably because shamans don’t try to kill you. So it's something else but what do I call it, a witch? A virus? A dark figure? Who is it? Reveal thyself! Is it a jack in the box? Is it me? Am I in a battle with myself? Are those nightmares all mirrors?

Well I have begun to look at things in a dfferent way. When I look at the front of the moving train I think I could jump in front of that, that might cure head pain. Today I thought well really pills are probably an easier cleaner way to go with less impact on others. And don’t be alarmed. I think pondering suicide is just a very natural reaction to unremitting pain. And I am not planning on doing anything but trying to keep living.

That said, Rest In Peace Jack Kevorkian who died this week, and whose efforts to bring some control and grace to death and dying made him a hero for me.
And so it goes. We are all going to die. And it would be nice if life could tone down the volume on pain.

Yes is there a volume button?
I need the volume button on my pain to be turned down.

So I decided to write the Corn Shaman story but it also occurred to me I had written it in bits and pieces over and over again, so maybe what was better was to get back to writing my kid's book And I decided to do that. It is an impossible task but it is important.

So then I had my Olympia session and she roller-pinned my neck and shoulders and stretched my flesh and I do think it is good for me, but after this Thursdays session I am going to take a break. Somewhat for financial reasons. And burn out. And so I can rally my little energy to get back to my desk and write.

So in my book there is a scene where the character goes through a dark tunnel of an initiation and her eyes get sucked out and then put back after they are cleaned.

Well there were some funny little things yesterday.
Olympia appeared looking summery and wearing a lovely purse that looked like it was made of seashells woven together and I said “What a lovely seashell bag and she said "Thanks" and came closer and said, "Its from Africa and look its not actually shells but magazine pages rolled into beads.”

And that she liked to support the women of Africa. As do I.

This constant reminder that things are not what they seem.

She also offered me two good bits of advice I appreciated. Two days ago I saw the most beautiful baby beaver at the pond, and she said look up the symbolism of the beaver in the animal cards.

And also I talked to her more about the crumpled ball in the right side of my head and we talked about me continuing to visualize that it gets smoothed back out.

And then on the table I asked her what her patients with acoustic neuromas were finding helpful and she described it and said some of the same things she did for me, and also this technique, to open the eye sockets, and so then she put her fingers under my brow bones, in my eye sockets, and I did not so much like it, but felt alarmed, and my eyes tried to open but were pressed into a claustrophobic darkness, and then after a few minutes I did open them.

When I left, I had bruises above my eyes. They are gone now today.

As for true teachers and healers, for that relationship, I feel

You don’t have to like them. They just have to hold steady and do their jobs.
And she does.