Gamma Knife

I am thinking about giving myself a hysterectomy.

Since Nov 2008 when my pain exceeded my ability to endure it, and has never left,
I have had moments in which all I could imagine was suicide or self mutilation. Something else to take the place of pain.

I look at the front of trains differently.

Back in 2008 and 2009 when the abdominal pain had me doubled over in its fist, unable to sleep or eat or walk, I recall looking down at my feet and thinking I would sacrifice a toe.

I have had recurrent thoughts of putting a knife through the upper right abdomen, to distract the pain, and so that maybe surgeons would go in and find something.

I consider an icepick to my head.

Now that my period is three days overdue and will not come, but kills me nonetheless, I think of giving myself a hysterectomy.

The body and mind have failed and cannot take more pain.
They cannot take what the period puts them through.

Modern doctors have developed a new tool, a gamma radiation knife that they use here in NJ to treat illnesses like trigeminal neuralgia.

Yes, please sever me from these screaming nerves.