The gun

I am concerned that since the idea of a gun has been introduced to the blog that it might become potent or portent, as if it is some foreshadowing that later I will procure the gun and use it, and someone will say, ‘Oh we might have seen that coming.’

But it’s not like that. I am not going to use it.

But my desire does have to do with the feeling that if I have a gun I can take better care of myself.

When my mate has to be out of town, I sleep with his cocked gun under the bed. It is true. I have been doing this for over a year. I am weaker than I used to be so I don’t trust myself to cock it quickly and efficiently enough should I need it, and I am only using it if someone comes into the house who shouldn’t.

I am not going to storm down to borough hall and wave it around because I am furious at their deforestation. As for last years decimation of the local woodlands, the update is that a couple of months ago they did indeed come and plant some baby trees. Many baby trees that are a little taller than myself. But it is still hard for me to go there without feeling the grief of losing our old growth friends. What I want to say to the shade tree commission members who had all the big trees taken down is that I still really wish I could just take away all of their beloved grandparents and great grandparents and elders, and say~ “but don’t be sad, I am going to instead give you a roomful of babies. Have fun!”

So you see, I also know that shooting my full of himself pro lifer Republican mayor won’t do a thing so I won’t. He is lowering taxes by outsourcing our local police and garbage men. He is making his own enemies.

And I won’t use the gun on myself either. I am fighting too hard to recover a life, not lose it. And I did hear a woodpecker today.

But a lot of people have guns. Sometimes my neighbors go into their yards and shoot themselves in the chest. I would not do this. But being amongst people who have guns makes me want my own. One I can cock and aim easily by myself.

Had I stayed in Virginia, where as a child of six I was just learning to shoot shotguns, I would have had a gun. So this is perhaps part of my sense of achieving a certain independence.

My desire for gun ownership also comes from traveling to many places where people had guns or machetes but we didn’t, and we felt utterly primally naked. Like we had forgotten to put on pants.

I have also done lots of domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy and heard too many detailed firsthand accounts of home invasions and seen the consequences.

And perhaps I have just become more wild west, more Annie Oakley.

And I do have to say that overall, I just feel more alone, that we are all on our own, it is best to be as prepared as possible for all situations.

A gun will just make me feel better. And of course the plan is to never ever use it. The security comes in having handy something you will not use, unless your life depends upon it.

A gun is a tool, or an instrument. It can make music, it can sit in beautiful silence.

What kind should I get?

Do you want one too?