Disappointed

I want to sing “Disappointment, my old friend…” as if I were feeling all Simon and Garfunkel rainy-day sad but I am not that mellow.

How do you handle disappointment?

An appointment with the dis.

Today I was supposed to go the Thai Temple in Pennsylvania for a remembrance ceremony for my mate’s Mom and for two friends who died in January. And then we were going to spend our afternoon wandering about the town of New Hope where early on in our love affair we spent one of our first days together, drinking in the sunshine and the sights, the planter boxes above the bridge overflowing with pansies, the grackles eating at our feet as we sat sipping iced tea and diet coke and chatting over lunch. New Hope flies rainbow flags everywhere. It’s a wonderful little place.

But my head would not let me go today. Yesterday I had to cancel the appointment with the new chiropractor I was going to try because my head hurt too badly to go. The past two nights my head has been nonstop pain and suffering. It doesn’t want me to lie down. It throbs and screams. I sit up, toss and turn, get up and haunt the house. Finally at daybreak sometimes I pass out for a few hours, this morning with the heating pad on my skull.

Yesterday the very kind nurse Tricia from the ENT doc in Bellingham called me back to say that they don’t think what I have is an infection so instead of more antibiotics they want me to come in for another CT scan.

I want this. I want it right now. But I may be too exhausted to fly west right now. And my attempts at getting medical care in NJ (or getting practically anything done in NJ, have been quite surreal. To be fair we have a terrific vet and pharmacist, the visit at the Motor Vehicle Dept went great, I love our electrician and the man who painted the house, the mailman is a joy, but the doctors, the neurologist and one of the hospitals have been sort of bizarre, and getting anything like a gas oven or furnace fixed has been doomed.) So I told Tricia I was just mailing the CT scan from the hospital visit and an updated letter of my symptoms from the past couple of weeks, and she said they would review those and call me later next week. I am relieved by this. She was so helpful. A kind person right there with me in the present moment.

I cannot even plan a day ahead, cannot plan March. I am stuck here on a tiny lily pad in the croc infested water of late February.

My mate got up and went. He helps me handle my disappointment by not giving in to his.

We both do all we can to stay positive and to wake up each day with this year’s mantra of “Another Beautiful Day.”

2009 was Yes We Can
2010 was Enjoy Each Day
2011 is Another Beautiful Day

We want to feel this.

We are really ready for some new hope.