The Lost Hope

That is the name of my ship.

I need a doctor today. Day 3 of nearly going to the hospital. The pills I throw at the pain, ibuprofen and fioricet, barely hold it at bay. I am drenched in sweat as if I have been bailing single-handedly but I am also cold at some level, as if I am bailing water in an ice storm, far out at sea.

It is the last day of the month.

The head pain is like a cloud in the right side, and a bullet in the left.

For two days I have prayed a shark would come by and amputate the left leg at the knee.

Do I attempt to swim for the ER? The walk- in clinic? I am looking up doctors online, wracking my brain for anyone within miles who might be able to help me. Anyone on the whole planet? Perhaps I should go back and see Dr. Laura Shelton, my naturopath in Bellingham who helped me through the health crises of my twenties. We never really got a diagnosis but she did help me get through. A very compassionate person with great talent. One at least felt she was there rowing along, ready to hoist a bucket. This has not happened for me in NJ. (excluding the arrival of Olympia.)

My labs have been examined. The doctor have said, 'you are ok, we can't find anything, we may never find anything', and sent me on my way. They have not seen the axe handle sticking out of my head, the alligator attached to my leg, the who knows what else. Maybe it is just the Dunkin Donuts of medicine here. I am getting drive-thru medicine. A Styrofoam cup. Really bad fake food. It looks like a donut but it is made of plastic, sugar, and food dye. Sometimes I feel like I am just in a play with people dressed up as medical professionals.

But wait, there has been some tremendous courtesy and care from some doctors and technicians, and expert tests done by the gi docs and others, and conscientious knocking me out by the anesthesiologist. The cardiac doctor and the dermatologist were entertaining. The nurses have been very good. The ultrasound people kind and caring. The x-ray guy funny. The first emergency room doctor I ever saw was so sincere and wanted to be helpful. The eye doctor was nice. And so forth.

I am just sour with pain.

I can’t tell if this a degenerative disease or a progressive illness.

Until it is Something, it is Anything.

This journey through the underworld of pain and modern medicine is a true living nightmare. How can one body hurt so much? Even my shoulder blades are screeching.
I sit here jiggling and typing, trying to think of what to do. Soon I will take something.

Can I hold on until the neurologist sees me tomorrow? I have lost some hope in Dr. Raab but I should reserve that judgement until I see her for the lab results. But calls all week to her office to get in sooner were fruitless. All week I have been on the cusp of heading to the hospital because my pain is so unbearable. I called her Monday and all she had for me is for me to keep my originally scheduled Friday appointment. I know there are many people who need help. I need a pain clinic. A doctor in an office with a full case load does not have time for my pain and suffering, my medical malady and mystery.

I hope tomorrow proves me wrong.
Today I stay and do battle with this.

It is a monster. I am in its belly.