Determination

How are you?

Are you feeling determined in your life? I hope so.

Alas, I must report that my eagerly awaited appointment with the doctor was bizarre and began with her yelling at me, I kid you not, “Why are you asking Why?” Why are you asking why?” And then she proceeded to say, “You are 40 and you have neck pain. You are pointing at your muscle,” and then to almost shrug, as if this were normal. The scene was surreal. She also made a couple of statements that were lacking in fact, for instance that she couldn’t tell how much pain I was in, because my blood pressure was never that high, when in fact her records are filled with my blood pressure being extremely elevated, like 170/120 when I was in her office in horrible pain in September 2010.

She is the doctor who started me on a beta blocker in the Fall because my blood pressure was so high. This beta blocker may have been why I ended up at the ER a few days later. (I have since learned that beta blockers work by blocking adrenaline receptors. Heck, I think adrenaline may be the only thing keeping me going.)I don’t know. What I do know at this point is that the doctor and I no longer have a relationship. I left there in tears and shock.

Later in the day I called to be certain my insurance was not being billed and that my co pay was reversed. They had indeed billed me and so while I was waiting for the office manager to pick up the phone, I was surprised that instead the doctor came on. She apologized to me, three different ways, and acknowledged that she had not even taken my vital signs. It was true. She just entered that room and quickly began acting unprofessionally. But I do accept her apology. It was eloquent. And I am moving on.

What is reassuring about the awful encounter is that even though I was in severe head pain when I was there, I did not behave in anything but a calm and composed way as she went psycho on me. I said to her, in tears, but looking her straight in the eye, “I hear you telling me you cannot help me” and she nodded and flipped the chart angrily and said, “I have tested you for everything, even Lyme.” Which is also so strange since she has tested me for hardly anything, and the tests that were done last Fall which included Lyme Disease only happened because I went in to her office insisting that we begin testing me for auto immune diseases and Lyme. And doesn’t Lyme also often have a false negative? But I didn’t even ask that. She yelled and harassed me, and I sat there and took it and cried and turned to her and finally said, “Honestly, I am quite shocked by this” and I got up and very slowly walked out of the exam room and down the hall with her following me and then strangely sweet-talking me in front of others, “Just let me give you a referral. Let me give you a referral to a neurologist. Why don’t you come back and we will try to talk.”

It was deranged. When I got to the car I wept and called my mate. He had suspected something like that would happen. (She has been his doctor too.) It had never occurred to me. This doctor had off and on seemed a decent doctor, but often was so distracted and taking phone calls when she was seeing me that I could tell she was not paying attention. But my last appointment with her had seemed promising and she had actually given me a lab slip for some tests which sounded useful and what was her ICD 9 code? It was for hypertension, which I always have when my pain is at its peak.

So what concerns me is that I may have wasted lots of precious time, 3 years actually, thinking my problem was bad periods and cyclical migraines, when it has actually been the case that I have some degenerative and progressive neurological illness.

So, I feel Very Determined to make up for lost time.

I now have an appointment with a woman neurologist in two weeks and I feel that even if she is not the best doctor in the whole world at least
a. she won’t yell at me
b. she won’t tell me that I need to see her husband the therapist because my problem is that I have underlying stress I don’t know about that

No way to go but up from here, that is what I believe.

I also made an appointment with a woman named Olympia at the Lasting Pain Relief Center and will see her next week. She has an office in New York and also near here where she does myofascial release for headaches and migraines.

I have even called my beloved pet sitter and asked her for her recommendations on doctors in this area.

And in three weeks I will also be seeing a doctor who specializes in head and face pain. His paperwork is lengthy but thrilling. The visit will cost $500 and he will spend an hour with me. (Yes, I am 500 dollars worth of desperate. Last night I almost ended up at the ER again with spiking head pain and blacking out.) He is Director of Temporomandibular Disorders and Orofacial Pain at Newark Beth Israel Medical Center.

His practice is focused on “management of the disorders of the temporomandibular structures as well as oral and facial pain.” His intake paperwork reads: “The first visit is usually relatively long. The doctor’s philosophy is that diagnosis is the key. This is essential to proper pain management.” I don’t think I particularly have TMJ but when reading his check list of symptoms I have about all of them: headaches, facial pain, can’t open mouth wide, clenching or grinding of teeth, neck and shoulder pain, tension and stiffness in neck, difficulty in turning head, ear pain, ringing in ears, fullness in ears, dizziness, blurred vision, difficulty in swallowing…Ok so I don’t a painful or burning tongue. But the rest of the list makes me think he knows what is troubling me.

There is also an Absolutely fascinating page with descriptions of pain. Choices like: pinching, gnawing, cramping, rasping, splitting, lancinating, shooting, vicious, killing, piercing, penetrating, exhausting, unbearable, agonizing.

I think this man may be able to help me. We will at least have something to talk about.

I hope you are getting the Last Pain Relief you need, and that you are feeling Determined about whatever it is in your life you want to accomplish.