The Brain Stem

Unlatched, unleashed, unmoored.

Books on migraine are strewn around the house but my head hurts too much to read them. Last night I was able to appreciate what Dr. Carolyn Bernstein wrote in The Migraine Brain. Apparently I am not alone in my fear of going to the ER. She describes the noise and lights and writes, “You’re in Dante’s Inferno for migraine sufferers.” Exactly.

But right now again I am in the pain that makes me puke and cry.
And I get confused, is this a migraine or just a really really really really bad headache? Because now that for the past six months the migraines have busted out of their three day a month menstrual migraine program and appear whenever they want, I am confused, and the excruciating pain makes things more confusing.

I am too queasy to take anything and how did that hatchet get into my brain stem?
I tried walking barefoot in the snow and that was pleasantly distracting, but that was all.

We have the storm. It sounds like sharpened needles falling on frozen haystacks.
Baltimore is shut down; no one allowed to drive on its roads but emergency responders. The mid Atlantic airports are closed for the second time in a week.
Blizzard. But what we have is so wet and heavy, a soggy snow sweater.

Migraine in the Burble. That is my weather.

I just had two days off from headaches. When that happens, as soon as I get out of the deep murky water with the shark hanging on to my ankle, as soon as I am on that tiny sandy island in the middle of nowhere, I get Very Optimistic.

I think, “Hey I could open an iced tea stand. I can teach myself to carve coconut shells. I can train hermit crabs to act out Shakespearean dramas. I am going to live! I am going to join the world!”

I loved those two days off from head pain!

Yesterday I took the dog on a long walk in the melting snow and was enjoying the pace of this eternal puppy who wants to sniff every corner for urinary perfumes. It gave me time to enjoy the silver blue and green mottled patterns on tree trunks. I did notice that my eyes were filled with floaty bits but that didn’t dim my appreciation of the lovely day, and though it is undoubtedly migraine aura I sort of ignore it, it is so common, and floaty bits and visual weirdness are so much better than pain.

Now I notice as the migraines begin I get a feeling almost like I am excited about something. And I think ‘Cool, what is happening in my life that is giving me this little feeling of excitement, like I will be picking a friend up at a train or going on a zoo date in a sunny place with my mate?’ But then I can tell actually what I feel is nerves or apprehension, a feeling something is happening, and it’s the precursor to the pain.

I wonder if this is what chickens and cats feel before an earthquake or tsunami, the thing that helps them flee for higher ground or find a safe place.

Only I have nowhere to flee.